The Misadventures of Conspoofatheme!
by run-bass.darksoul-prgm.exe
Summary: Spoofs are funny. Spoofs are even funnier when they're written by someone who's never even seenheard ofreadetc. the thing they're writing about. That's the situation here. John must seal the devil away with holy weapons, yay spoofs! PG for safety.PLZ R&R!


Disclaimer: I don't own Constantine. Meh. Bygones. One more thing, I wish to insult no ones race or religion, I'm Catholic. Finally, Tim! I owe ya! You helped me write this!

The Misadventures of John Conspoofatheme!

John Conspoofatheme was sitting in his room, listening to his Linkin Park CD, suddenly, the phone rang.

"Hello?" he answered. "Conspoofatheme, you are required in Heaven immediately!" said a voice. Conspoofatheme suddenly found himself being lifted to the gates of Heaven. "Ah, Conspoofatheme! There you are!" said an Italian accented voice. A man bearing a resemblance to our favorite mustachioed hero suddenly appeared…suddenly. (A/N: Yay for suddenly!) "Who are you?" John asked. "My-a name isn't important John, I am here to-a give you-a weapons to-a fight-a the devil!" said the man. "Cha gonna give me?" asked John. "Be-a-hold-a! The cufflinks of Buddha!" said the man, holding up some odd cufflinks. "Buddha didn't wear cufflinks…" The man hit John on the head, "Shut up-a! Yes-a he did!" "O…K?" "Now-a watch-a!" The man put on the cufflinks and punched an enormous rock that was beside him; or rather, he poked it. The rock disintegrated. "Holy crap," said John.

"And-a this is-a Moses' staff-a." "What do I do with that?" "You-a hit-a people with it!" He hit John on the head. "Ow! That hurt!" "See-a, it-a hurts, doesn't it?" "Yes, very." The man turned to his left and raised the staff over a small puddle, "And-a look at-a this!" The puddle began to part, and strong winds enveloped them, and through the wind came opera music (A/N: Think final boss music or war games music.) "Whoa." "And-a you can shoot-a fireballs-a! And-a you can summon Abraham-a!" "Why would I summon him?" "He's-a confusing-a!" Abraham appeared, "Hi." "What religion are you?" asked John. "CatholicChristianMuslimJewish," replied Abraham. "You're Jewish?" "No." "But you just said…" "I'm not Jewish." "But…I…you…AAARGGGHH! Aspirin! Advil! Tylenol! Anything!" "Oh-a, and-a he-a makes a great-a bullet-a shield!" The man shot Abraham with 250 rounds from a Browning .30 Cal. "I'm okay," said Abraham. "What kills him?" asked John. "Nukes-a!" The man dropped a nuke on Abraham, who disintegrated. "Crap."

"Okay-a, these are-a the nails that-a nailed-a Christ to the crucifix-a." John counted them; there were 5. "Five? Christ was nailed to cross with 3 nails, not 5!" The man hit him on the head, "Shut-up-a! There were-a 5-a!" "Whatever crazy; what d'they do?" The man threw one a few yards away, and upon hitting the ground, it swallowed all the light around it and made the day pitch-black, then suddenly, a huge dome of blazing white light appeared and expanded enormously, followed by a mushroom cloud. "Holy crap," said John.

The man poked John with an old splinter. "Ow! What'd you do that for?" asked John. "I-a poked you-a with a splinter from-a the crucifix," he said, "It hurts, and gives you-a lotsa pimples!" Pimples appeared all over John's face, and grew out to the point that they were noticeably protuberant. "Pimples two inches-a tall-a!" said the man in glee.

After shaving of the pimples, the man gave John a flashlight. "Ooohh! I know what this is! It looks like a flashlight. But wait! It's actually a shining beam of holy light that is despised by all dark denizens!" said John, turning it on and shining it in the man's face. "No-a, it's-a just-a flashlight-a. Hell is-a how do you say-a, very dark-a yes?" "Oh," said John, his face fell. "You see-a, this-a flashlight-a does-a that!" He held up a candle and aimed it to his left. An enormous fireball shot out, burning the surrounding countryside. "Whoa."

"Finally, I-a have-a this to-a give-a to you!" The man held up a small pack of grenades, except they were white and had crucifix pins. "Hmm, they just explode with a ferocity of blazing light, right?" asked John. "Yep-a." "Well-a, now-a go to hell, literally, and send-a the devil to the-a how do you say, the interdimensional time prison known as Limbo."

Before John could respond he was already at the gates of hell.

Well, Chapter 1 down, now all that's left is chapter 2. Sorry it's only 2. R&R. And, no offense to any person that could possibly be offended by the spoof, it just a spoof, everyone makes them.


End file.
